Nobody Like You

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Think you got what it takes to write for Nobody Like You. Then submit an article or some other pieces of content. Hey, why can’t I vote on comments?

Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members. If you’re already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. And that’s pretty much the entire gun control debate, as far as the mainstream media are willing to cover. And that is a shame, because it leaves out all of the most interesting parts. Trust us, the longer you look into this, the weirder it gets.

They scoff at ridiculous macho action movie fantasies, and they have never stuck a gun through the open fly of their pants and said, “Hey look, it’s my gun dick. But gun manufacturers do not themselves appear to share their view. We at Ruger find the gun dick extremely refreshing on hot summer days. For instance, do you insecure males want to get your “man card” back?

I haven’t seen my penis in years, so this is comforting. Wait, is that the same assault rifle the Newtown shooter used? That’s why they had to pull their “man card” campaign. In the aftermath of the shooting, these ads were forwarded around by disbelieving gun control advocates who seemed shocked to find that they existed, as if gun ads had been outlawed back when cigarettes stopped showing up in Sports Illustrated.

Gunfitti is a major problem in many American cities. Hell, they even do product placement. You know those newfangled first-person shooter games the kids play these days, like Medal of Honor: Warfighter, where they go online and shoot each other over and over again? Well, you can’t go to the website now — they pulled that page after Newtown, for some reason.

So our question is, what’s the gun makers’ line of thinking here? What audience are they selling to? What’s the message they want that audience to take home? Hey, if you ever want to do something like this in real life, do it with a Daniel Defense brand M4 carbine! And in the single-player mode, the players are using these guns to shoot terrorists instead of each other. So what is the goal of that product placement?

What is the “something like this” that they hope kids will use their product to do? What fantasy are the gun makers playing into here if the goal is to affect a purchase decision down the line? Machine guns are like wallet condoms: You’ll be glad you planned ahead when you need one. Maybe this can shed a little light on it.

What does “459” stand for, you ask? Is it the 459th iteration of their Pump Action line? Well, remember how rappers used to threaten to pull a “1-8-7” on each other instead of “murder”? They’re not selling it to burglars, obviously, but to people who fantasize about shooting burglars. 4,000 rifles promising “long-range, certified tactical accuracy.

You know, in case you see your burglar coming from 500 yards away. I believe that all life is one, so technically anything I do is self-defense. What’s wrong with somebody wanting to protect his family? In other words, are they obsessed with security, or are they obsessed with the idea of getting to shoot some motherfuckers?